..be on the way to football now, but I’m not. I should have had visitors last night, but didn’t. I should be having visitors tomorrow night, but I am now waiting for a text to let me know if that’s actually going to happen!!
WHY can I not make plans that actually work out the way they should?? By that I mean me arriving/leaving on time, nothing going wrong, no last minute changes and NO last minute cancellations!!

I don’t really mind that they changed last night as I ended up having a MAMMOUTH cooking session instead, Me and the brat made cakes and mini pizzas, then once he’d gone to bed I made LOTS of soup, spaghetti and biscuits!

I don’t really mind that they’ve changed tonight it means that I haven’t got to go out in the cold and I have a contingency plan….more baking!! Although a little more notice would have been nice as I wouldn’t have had to see the disappointed look on Jordans face when he realised he wouldn’t be getting to wear his new boots as I wouldn’t have told him he had them till next week (they are very funky though…silver and green!!).

I will be very upset if they change tomorrow, although I had an ulterior motive for inviting her round I am now really looking forward to catching up with my friend Sharon. I haven’t seen her MONTHS in fact since bonfire night when she turned up with the forgotton about adopted rabbit, If she cancels I will sulk!!

Oh and thanks to my mom who has just come in and asked if I had a light for her candles, I said no, she said …”really”, I said “yes, I quit smoking new year!!”…she said “REALLY!!!”
So thank you mother for noticing all the effort I put in to quit especially as you nagged me about smoking untill I finaly did!!

…What are your other 2 wishes??

I have done far far too much in the last week to write out all of it fully, so in brief, I have slept little, drank lots, played football, rushed around, worked some, antagonised people at work, visited the bestest damn people in the world (you reading this James???),had some visitors, lost a job application form (I’m the only person who can put something down in their OWN house and lose it!!) stopped a shop lifter at my Moms work and found out just how hard falling onto the floor at speed from chair height in my lounge can be! Thats it I think…oh and I bought a new bluetooth dongle thingy and a funky looking mouse and had a new dvd drive fitted to my puter oh and stole Al’s flash Drive to fill with stuff for him!!!

Will post more later but still very busy right now…got to get Jordan from school right now, then I’m having visitors later tonight after I been food shopping (how domesticated am I??), football tomorrow night, visitors thursday night and working and school stuff in between next time I complain that I have nothing to do and am BORED remind me its actually better to do nothing sometimes!!

This last weekend has been BRILLIANT, It was again spent in front of the TV and in the company of random friends at my house, Friday I spent wrapped in front of the tv again continuing with Season 4. Saturday night Al came over and between the two of us finished a bottle of Jack Daniels which resulted in me dancing round my living room to Salt and Peppers Push It and DJ Casper Cha Cha Slide, I make no excuses and you can laugh at me I dont care I enjoyed myself I laughed so much my sides hurt I have however completly knackered my thigh muscles up just goes to show how unfit I am!!

Sunday afternoon I headed into Wolvehampton to meet James, who then accompanied me back to mine, assisited in putting my computer in some sort of order and ate random pie, We then spent an absolute ridiculous amount of time talking and playing games…24 Top Trumps (which even though its down to luck I SUCK AT) and BUZZ on the PS2. I LOVE THAT GAME, For the few of you left who haven’t discovered it yet Its a quiz in the form of a gameshow presented by an animation of Jason Donavan and all the questions are music based which I find really frustrating as I find myself shouting at the screen…I KNEW IT..when I’ve quite blatently gotten the question wrong LOL!! And yes James, before I get the predictable comment ( 😉 ), I know YOU scored highest BUT round for round who won the most… oh that will be me…well maybe not that much more than you BUT when I did win I did wipe the floor with you!

I had an incredibly good time again (Thank you James) and finally went to bed at something stupid o’clock Monday morning!!

Woke up not much later, not feeling the brightest. Jordan was being dropped off from his dads so a lie in was not an option!! I dragged myself out of bed, got dressed and attacked the coffee pot with relish, Couldn’t quite put my finger on what was wrong with me as it didn’t feel like anything in particular…I didn’t feel like I usually do when over tired, it wasn’t like I had headache or felt sick, but somethng was wrong I quit smoking WEEKS ago but it felt like I’d been smoking all night and my nose wasn’t bloked but it felt difficult to breathe.

James said he knew something was wrong as I stopped talking for a WHOLE five minutes LOL I spent the day feeling sorry for myself trying to keep warm!

Now its Tuesday and the whole thing has developed into a head cold so that explains it, I now have the streaming eyes runny nose and the feeling of someone sitting on my chest to accompany the feelings of general lethargy, Jordan has being doing his usual tornado impression around the house again and has manged to fall down the stairs resulting in a lovely set of multi coloured bruises along his arms and on the side of his head so I have him off school for the day to make sure he’s ok as he did hit his head on the laminate flooring in the hall. I’d like to say he’s learnt his lesson and slowed down but like his mother he never learns, So he is currently creating havoc around the coffee table spreading glitter everywhere (again), he has his art set spread across the floor, his gameboy in one hand a glass of milk in the other and is switching between playing his playstation and watching CBBC I’m hoping he’ll amuse himself for a while longer as I just dont have the energy to deal with him today I’m begining to think I should never have quit smoking I’m sure I never caught this many colds while my lungs wer full of tar!!

…Through Jan 19th and into the 20th relativily unscathed.

I haven’t had a falling piece of masonry hit me on the head, tumbled under a bus, been decapitated by a runaway shopping trolley or trampled to by a herd of wild rampaging elephants so all in all I’m in one piece, MAINLY because with my past history with this date I took extra precautions NOT to walk too close to the road/past any construction sites..in fact I didn’t go ANYWHERE outside of work ALL day, So physically I never put myself anywhere that I could come to any harm, That does not mean however that I escaped totally from the unforseen events January 19th usually throws up at me.

What happened left me not physically but most definitly mentally drained!!

The “ex” turned up at my shop, yes the dumb ass mother fucking socially inept two timing degenerate guitar playing gimp piece of shit, actually had the audacity to turn up in my work under the guise of “seeing how I was doing” to ask me to do something that he had NO RIGHT IN ASKING me to do…AND to make matters worse he’d completely forgotten what yesterday was!!

So once I’d gotten of the shock of what he was asking of me I casually inquired how his new girlfriend was, who he yet again denied seeing (hello STUPID you’ve been seen together I’VE seen you together) and then kicked the fucker out with the oh so eloquant phrase ” Fuck off you two timing piece of shit how stupid do you think I am!!!” and continued with my work as if nothing had happened untill 17:30 when I headed straight to the pub and downed a double Jack Daniels!!

I was angry with him for EVERYTHING, I was angry with myself for wasting my anger on him and even angrier with myself for actually considering complying with what he was asking! Once I’d calmed down I realised that to comply would be just stupid and even better I realised that I am actually completely over him…

…I’ve been joking for a long time that it was his lose, however I wasn’t really sure how I’d react if/when I ever saw him again BUT I didn’t feel sick at the thought of seeing him I’ve managed to speak to him without ending up upset once he’d walked away AND all I really felt was pity…pity that he still feels he has lie to me, pity that he felt like he had to come and ask me what he did, and pity because lets face it he lost out on me and I’m pretty damn fine even if i do say so myself!! (check THAT ego out!!) So no longer am I worried about running in to him when out and about because I KNOW I’m not bothered anymore, I may still verbally abuse him on here as I would anyone who abused my trust and lied to me but I now quite honestly can say I’m DEFINILTY over him, its only taken me 6 months to be sure but HURRAH for me!!

…just because I am now sick of being asked by people too damn lazy (you know who your are) to type the word into google and look it up themselves and would prefer to ask me pointless questions about it, The definition is…

“Known by a number of names – Autophobia, Isolaphobia, Monophobia, Fear of Being Alone, and Fear of Oneself being the most common – the problem often significantly impacts the quality of life. It can cause panic attacks and keep people apart from loved ones and business associates. Symptoms typically include shortness of breath, rapid breathing, irregular heartbeat, sweating, nausea, and overall feelings of dread and severe insecurity, although everyone experiences autophobia in their own way and may have different symptoms.

Like all fears and phobias, autophobia is created by the unconscious mind as a protective mechanism. At some point in your past, there was likely an event linking solitude, being alone, oneself, or being by oneself and emotional trauma. Whilst the original catalyst may have been a real-life scare of some kind, the condition can also be triggered by myriad, benign events like movies, TV, or perhaps seeing someone else experience trauma.

But so long as the negative association is powerful enough, the unconscious mind thinks: “Ahh, this whole thing is very dangerous. How do I keep myself from getting in this kind of situation again? I know, I’ll attach terrible feelings to solitude, being alone, oneself, or being by oneself, that way I’ll steer clear in future and so be safe.” Just like that autophobia is born. Attaching emotions to situations is one of the primary ways that humans learn. Sometimes we just get the wiring wrong.

The actual phobia manifests itself in different ways. Some sufferers experience it almost all the time, others just in response to direct stimuli. Everyone has their own unique formula for when and how to feel bad.”

…so see it does not in the words of one selfish illiterate neanderthal “a medical term for being too needy” It does not mean I’m scared to look in the mirror (although people with the severest form do often have that problem so if you see someone walking around with a really BAD hair day have some pity you never know!) and it doesn’t mean that I can not be trusted ALONE with your children! it does however mean that sometimes if i feel comfortable enough to I will phone you up with nothing actually to talk about because I just would like to hear the sound of a another humans voice!!

So now you know maybe you can stop withthe emails…again YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!

…I’m tired I have a headache My stomache hurts I think I’ve caught bird flu or summat I’m feeling all maudlin…..I’m just finding reasons to complain as I’m sure thats what your used to!! In actual fact I’m feeling GREAT!!

Spent a great weekend doing not a lot…Friday I locked my front door got into my most comfortable pyjamas (which are naturally the least attractive) wrapped myself in the worlds biggest dressing gown under the thickest quilt on the most squidgy sofa ate the greatest home made curry drank a bottl eof wine and FINALLY started season 4 of 24…..not too sure about it yet having watched the first 4 eppisodes i can say….I miss Tony and Michelle, WHERE HAS CHASE GONE, and the new CTU director person is horrible, we’ll see how it goes I have little doubt that it will get better!

Saturday, Steve came round to climb on my roof and put an aeriel on the chimney breast for me in the morning, then I had to go into Wolverhampton to meet James who was coming over for coffee and possible help me consume the last or the greatest homemade curry in the world…..3pm we met….16 and 1/2 hours later he left mine LOL!!!

We drank COPIOUS amounts of coffee, ate, watched telly, listened to music and talked lots. Slept some then started all over again in the morning but this time with a bit of Lee Evans, Wipe Out and Pro Evolution thrown in untill Cat arrived in the evening for a brew when we all just sat and talked agian!!

It was SO much fun I haven’t ventured far from my house all weekend but feel like I’ve done loads, I FINALLY got to give out the last of my now rather unseasonable christams gifts and caught up with 3 wonderful people who I haven’t seen since last year (ok so not that long ago but still)!! It was a lovely end to not a bad week….only downside is I am definitly NOW looking for a new job…our head office are making redundancies and I have decided to jump ship before the culilng starts in earnest and I lose my job!

Exactly a week from today is the most dreaded date in the history of all dreaded dates!!

I’m not usually a very superstitious person, I walk under ladders, I dont mind black cats and I do not feel compelled to go chucking salt about if I ever spill it, HOWEVER as this date approaches a chill creeps up my spine and I just want to lock my front door and preferably hide from the world for every second of every minute of the full 24 hours…

..I dont know what will happen this year I have no idea but inevitable SOMETHING WILL and it will not be an enjoyable experience…

…Whats bought this on you may ask well we were talking today in work and was offered overtime on that date so we started talking aboutt my past history with the date and the days surrounding that day(and these are just the ones that are outstanding enough to remember)…

1985, My Dad dies, My mom loses out on his life insurance as it was deemed a “pre exsisting conditiom” so we have to sell house and move out.

1995, I was in a house fire and saved 2 kids lives, failed Geography coursework assignment as work was lost in the same fire.

1997, Aunts house was broken into all they managed to take was MY bloody stereo I’d lent her.

2000, Jordan was seriously poorly mad trips rushing between home , the emergancy doctors and A&E all night.

2005 Was in hospital for surgery, came out and in the next 2 weeks walked into an armed robbery, had a man drop down dead behind me in the post office queue, moved house and had my ex call me a hypercondriac

Can we please PLEASE just wipe January 19th of the calander!!!!