After a shitty shitty week (death threats(off my brother, nice chap) arguments, tedium and if i’m honest a few tears) Saturday has arrived, Yes the day has arrived. I am now 25. I am currently sitting here drinking Stella and clock watching till its time to go out.

Did the modelling gig this afternoon, I got “looked” at by the boss for laughing, I couldn’t keep my face straight when I was on the catwalk, I did warn them that I was only doing it for the fun but HEY what can I say…. It was badly organised the clothes were awful the make up was rushed BUT the freebies were nice and at least I provided the entertainment!!

Ok so my Stella is calling me, (as is my make up bag suppose I better finish getting ready), Will update you all on my BIG NIGHT (that everyone has pulled out of) OUT! at a later date once I’ve a. sobered up and b. got over the hangover….
xxxx

The weather is most definitly reflecting my mood today….AWFUL…It’s raining and I dont think it’s ever gonna stop.

There is a reason for my gloom, CHRISTMAS!!

Yes I know its months away and anyone who knows me well enough will know I usually love it, the decorations, the food, the shopping, the everything about it…BUT not this year, I’m dreading it.

My son is going to stay with his Dad from christmas eve untill mid week, a prospect I wasn’t looking forward to anyway BUT I could cope because I was going to see my parents, now i find out that….My stepdad and mom are both working, My sister is going to her boyfriends families and my brother is going out with his friends. SO I’VE GOT TO SPEND CHRISTMAS ALONE. I really dont have anywhere else to go and the thought of it is making me feel ill.
I mentioned before I suffer from autophobia, but I pretty much had it under control except for the odd bout of insomnia BUT last night when I first found out that I have nowhere to go christmas and I went home to an empty house started worrying about it and had my first panic attack in 7 months!!

I cried myself to sleep…

I’m 25 next week and still crying myself to sleep, How pathetic am I???

I was off work today and had arranged to meet my friend Richard at 12:30 for lunch. So as I had nothing better to do after I’d dropped my son at school, I took myself off to the City Centre early, tucked myself into a corner of the Varsity with a couple of books and probably an unhealthy ammount of coffee to sit and wait.

I made a sorry sight sitting there all by myself I know, but I dont care I was enjoying myself. Richard arrived a few minutes late after having a fight with a unhelpful cash machine and then a horrid bank teller who basically admitted the people in the bank had lied to him the week before, but I didn’t mind as I was quite enjoying my book so the wait just gave me chance to finish a few more pages.

Richard arrived, we ate then he left me to my book again, at which point Al (another friend) rang to say he was on his way round from work so I got another drink in and sat, and read and waited. He came we chatted and then noticing the time we both left, him to return to work and me to get Jordan from school.

Now having explained my day I’d just like to say to the graduate and her family that were seated at the table opposite, sitting alone reading in a bar does not make me strange so I dont know what the funny looks were for, and I am allowed more than ONE male friend so the comment ” What would have happened if he’d have arrived 10 minutes earlier and her boyfriend was still here” that I over heard was totally uncalled for as I am very much SINGLE and I even if I wasn’t they could have met each other, and would have if Al wasn’t delayed in work, because they are both JUST FRIENDS…

…some people need to lift their minds out of the gutter…of stop judging other people by their own morals and standard!!!

P.S. To anyone that cares I had a cigarette today…well half of one then realised what i was doing and put it out. I should have told more people I was quitting then they wouldn’t have offered me one…..COME ON DONT ROLL YOUR EYES ATME half a ciggy since Monday I think I’m doing ok

My names Steph and I’m an addict its been 3 days since my cigarette….

I’m getting there I nearly caved in last night, my insomnia came back again so I was at a loss at what to do, as my usual remedy is to make myself a peach tea, sit, smoke and read till the small hours…instead I read, chased a spider across my bedroom (IT WAS HUGE) and chewed my nails down more than they already are, oh and ate choclate brownies. (although the real test comes when i go to the pub next)

I need to find a more productive way to distract my need to smoke otherwise I’m not going to have any fingers left and the 3 stone I lost the begining of the year is going to reappear as if by magic made entirely of chocolate brownies!

To other matters, my Uncle Stephen is coming over from New Zealand in 3 years and I have to make a desicion…Do I meet him??

I cant remember the last time I saw him as it was before my dad died and as that was back in 1985 your talking some time ago and I would like to see him, and meet his wife and kids BUT it would mean me having to see the rest of the family too…and there are some I’d rather not. I lost touch with them all about 3 weeks after my dads funeral and I made the effort to get back in touch with them when I was13 and was ignored, I tried agian when I was 15 and finally managed to get a respnse at 19 when I had my son and that was a mixed response of “Congratulations” and “A baby at 19 were so ashamed of YOU” (as if they had any right to comment) Also if I do go i’m gonna get a load of abuse for not going to my Nan’s funeral and I can hardly give them my standard line for not going…..she couldn’t give a shit about me when she was alive so I couldn’t be bothered with her once she was dead, Can I?

Grr what to do!!!???!!!

Ok so I have 3 years in which to decide but you know I only found out he was coming this morning…

My friend has set up a online shop for funky t-shirts etc….

www.roadkillclothing.com

Check it OUT…it will be featured in the Independant fashion supplement n Sat 17th Sept.

…as of now.

I’m telling as many people as possible to stiffen mt resolve, so if anyone see’s me with a cigarette feel free to ridicule me for being weak willed!!
I asked myself why I smoked and I couldn’t find a good enough reason to continue…
But the health reasons are the main reasons I’m quitting also it suddenly occured to me that I use smoking as a defense mechanism, I use it as a “thing” to hide behind in pubs and that has gotta be unhealthy too….

WISH ME LUCK!!

After weeks of doing random things (drinking gigs partying walking home at 7am lol) and a stupidly busy festival season (3 in 3 weeks,cant be bad) The summer is almost over and things are about to return to normal, (well the school holidays are nearing an end hopefully the weather will hold out a lot longer), Normal meaning TEDIOUS…

My weekdays are about to be mapped out like the following..

School run,
work,
pick son up from child minder,
cook dinner,
help son with homework
BED.

Thats it thats my week day life, no random, gorgeous men to come calling in the middle of the night, no friends to harass as they either have a social life during the week or have kids too…ROLL ON THE WEEKENDS.

Still I suppose i have my birthday to look forward to and the modelling gig AND in fairness though its probably what keeps me sane ’cause i think if i tried to party that hard all the time i’d already be dead!!

p.s. if you think i’m being harsh I do love my son but i’m still Steph during the week too not just MOM!!