This week I have mostly been trying (unsuccessfully) to avoid family bullshit!

A rather productive way to spend your time if you just KNOW you’re going to put your foot in it and say something to offend someone if left in a room for any length of time with any of them or if you really really REALLY don’t want to get stuck in the middle of the ongoing family argument. An argument that has been simmering behind insincere smiles and just under the surface waiting for the right opportunity to raise its ugly head since before we crawled out of whatever swamp we started out life in, grew two legs, and called ourself human.

A rather difficult thing to do when your younger sister finally leaves home and distant relatives come to visit all in one week!!

I have never, NEVER known a family as dysfunctional as mine. The only way to communicate to them in a group scenario is through an alcoholic mist and twice this last week I have been confronted by the prospect of spending time in a social situation actually conversing with them!!

SCENE ONE: My sisters (how can I forget its new she reminds me every 30 seconds) house.

I was invited for the “guided tour” the day after she picked up her keys. I arrive at the allocated time (I wouldn’t even consider incurring the wrath of her fiery temper if I dared to turn up late) and (as sisters do) let myself into the front door. First thing I notice is my nan cleaning in the kitchen and my grandad putting up curtain poles in the living room waxing lyrical about how he likes to help out and he’d do anything if we asked him to. I was NOT happy!!!

Understandably so when you think that I have lived in my current house for quite some time and asked my grandad TWO YEARS AGO to help me plumb in a shower, I’ll attempt most D.I.Y. myself but when it comes to electrics AND water there is no way I’m going near it, I’m still waiting!!! My grandparents have never even been to my house for a cup of tea and here they are a day after Emma has picked up her keys, but like a good little pixie I say nothing and continue on the tour anyway

15 minutes into the visit I’m in the front bedroom being nosy out of the widow (as you do) (the house isn’t that big it took me 15 minutes to get upstairs but I was intentionally taking my time to avoid the hammering/drilling downstairs) and I see my aunts people carrier pull up outside, and not one not two but FOUR other members of my extended family pile out….I was far too sober for that size a gathering so I ran down stairs announced that I was leaving and dragged James the hell out of there!

SCENE TWO: The “local”

About once a year my mothers eldest brother graces us with a visit (he was the sensible one and moved a few hundred miles away!). So about once a year my Nan goes all gooey with wonder of all her children being in the same place at the same time. So despite the fact that many of the siblings can only just stand to be in the same room together and even more of the grandkids cant even bring themselves to speak to each she still INSISTS we all get together for food and/or drinks because “You never know this might be the last time I get the chance to see you all together”, (Gotta give her credit this little guilt trip works every time) So to keep the peace with her we are forced into playing happy families, So off the the local old mans pub we trotted like good little “Waltons”.

All things considered as family gatherings go this only ended up with everyone pissed to get over the long awkward silences that ALWAYS start the night, one person crying, as far as I know no one offended, only one broken glass and one VERY broken digital camera after it had been used as a football, so wasn’t THAT bad.

Not when you consider that the one last July, (I have managed to avoid all family occasions and in fact MOST of the family since then and was not blogged about at the time as I really didn’t want to even admit I was related to these people) resulted in 2 full scale family arguments, 2 fights with neighbors in the street, plenty of tears and tantrums…0h and an ambulance being called for one of the kids….oh sorry my mistake my aunts (now ex) “toy boy” when he fell and broke his arm while trying to piss off his “step son” playing football in the road!

But I still ended the night feeling just as, if not more so, depressed than that night back in July.

I went with the intention of pleasing my Nan, seeing my uncle and grinning and baring it, And that’s what I did with a large dose of Jack Daniels inside me but came away with the realization that with my family, even when everyone is making the effort to get along, THAT drunken haze of half hearted, souless conversation and forced smiles is as good as it gets!!