I have done too much complaining by far this last week…I’m such a big baby when it comes to whinging so let me just say now, NO I’m not in much of a better mood and things aren’t a lot better than they were but I definitly feel in a better state of mind than I did about it (amazing what a GOOD nights sleep can do for you) I am going to try and get on with it and not complain half as much as I have been.

SO here is a very public THANK YOU to JAMES for listening to me rant over the last couple of days and for being his typical laid back self and having the answers to everything! To Gy who basically told me to make the best of what I have, because once I believe things can’t get any worse they invariably will and to the little girl I bumped into in Starbucks yesterday, It amazing how much a total stranger can cheer you up. The innocence of a three year old standing on a chair totally unashamedly singing christmas carols top of her voice to her baby sister really put a smile on my face, Its amazing the mood I was in that something so simple lifted my spirits for the rest of the day!

SO THANK YOU ALL!!!! I love you all loads, but mostly James as it was he that put the idea of Vanila Lattes back into my head!!!

MWAH!!!!

I am fed up, completely and utterly fed up and disillusioned with life in general at the moment. I’m sick and tired of fighting my way through a bottomless pit of daily battles, the battle through the “office” politics at work, “family “politics” at home and more recently “playground” politics at school, the whole you can’t say this/do that because it will upset …… (Insert random name here), don’t stand there because it will put …… (again random name) nose out of joint, has finally got to me. IS THERE NOWHERE IN THE PLANET YOU CAN TRULY RELAX, BE YOURSELF AND (god forbid) ENJOY YOURSELF!!! So I give up and I’m not going to play anymore!!

What’s brought this on you may ask, well it seems that no matter what I do I’m constantly WRONG, I’ve tried being the person who is constantly smiling, playing along and making life easier by shutting up and putting up, I’ve played the game in work when everyone is pissed off and I’ve been the one to sort it all out, the one at home who gets called upon in a crisis to put things right, run round like an idiot and solve everyone’s problems, The one who has yet to complete her own Christmas shopping as the day I’d set aside to do it I got roped into helping my sister with finishing hers and I DID IT WITHOUT COMPLAINING!!

But not anymore it seems whatever I do I’m criticized for EXAMPLE AT WORK:
My ATV (Average Transaction Value for those who are vaguely interested) is lower than it is usually £20 down an what I could be achieving and my manager has said that this isn’t good enough…regardless of the fact that my other 3 stats are off the scale and in the 3 quarters I’ve been working there I have had the highest stats CONSISTENTLY in store and have won “star” of the region ALL 3 TIMES, Regardless that in the last 3 weeks I have put £300 MORE insurance sale through the till than ANY OTHER member of staff in the building!! My managers’ idea of encouraging me to work harder and inspire me to want to achieve is to FORGET all this and only condemn me for not obtaining that elusive £20. Oh and in an inspired piece of managerial work he has given me the 6 AM start Christmas eve regardless of the fact this will be the last chance I’m going to get to see my son until after the holidays, and why do I have to do this?? BECAUSE in the laws of office politics I can’t complain about this because and I quote “I won’t be behaving like a team player!” Dont you just love his motivational techniques!!

AT HOME: I have put myself out the last few weeks to make life easier for my mom as she’s been having huge rows with my step dad (which hopefully have been sorted now) and on top of which she’s not been very well. I’ve helped around the house, I’ve done most of her Christmas shopping for her, even going as far as buying her Meat hamper as she hasn’t had time to get to the butchers, on top of this I’ve been helping my sister out organizing her Christmas, and looking after my son. It was and is me that comes running every time something needed to be done. Last night I reminded my sister (for the 1000th time in 3 weeks) That I needed a cheque from her to pay for some things SHE had ordered for HER boyfriend off my Ebay account as I was getting email from the seller basically telling me I was out of order for not paying, AND get this I WAS OUT OF ORDER for asking her, apparently I was being a “selfish bitch” for asking her for at as she hadn’t got time to think about it now, she’d just got on from work and was in a rush to get to her boyfriends, AND GET THIS, my mom told me to “Stop rocking the boat Stephenie” “Why couldn’t you have waited till the weekend to speak to her” and “You being the eldest should have more consideration” HELLO…did I miss something….she order she doesn’t pay I’m in the wrong with the seller, my sister AND my parents???

I GIVE UP!!!

I’m in a foul FOUL mood and I think I may throw something to stop me from self combusting!!!

I’ve been up since STUPID o’clock this morning then I’ve been at work since SIX to a whole load of SHIT I’ve only just got in (15:00ish) and I’m hating life in general. I really feel like I’m about to burst into tears/throw something/scream/shout/stamp my feet/etc I’m so tense and tired and I just dont know what to do with myself!!

Why do PEOPLE have to ruin everything, people spoil all my good moods all my fun!! AND FUCKING MEN ARE THE WORST, Male managers thinking they’re better than you and are nothing but a tea girl!!! That and other men, YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE….making me out to be the bad one because I was, oh my god dare I say it, HONEST, with you!!! (Yes I’ve read your blog very clever ha ha make me feel like shit for telling the truth!!)

FUCKING HELL!!!!!

Silly boys, Silly work, SILLY SILLY Christmas, Silly gigs that I missed (Foo Fighters last night see previous posts I’m not going threre again!) silly managers, silly computers, silly phones, silly family, silly days silly nights, silly non-existent friends, silly shopping, silly insomnia, silly godamn mother fucking autophobia, SILLY FUCKING ME!!!!!

I’m still basking in the glow of so much undeserved admiration (apparently I’m pretty and intelligent they obviously dont know me all that well 😉 …) so excuse me if this post is all gushy..

..had a pretty up and down week as you can tell from my previous posts but all is well now. Went to bed after my last post on Thursday feeling like death and fell asleep at what for me can only be descibed as a reasonable hour…only to wake at 03:30 and not be able to get back to sleep untill 07:20 just to be woken by my alarm clock 10 minutes later!! BUT I did feel so much better than the previous night!

Jordans birthday Friday so he was a ball of energy when he came bounding into my bedroom, although I did a very mean thing and wouldn’t let him open any of his presents untill AFTER school…he was excited enough as it was!! He still had a lovely day I gave him the choice of doing naything he wanted for dinner..expecting the answer of either McDonalds or the Wacky Warehouse at our local pub, but in all surprises he wanted Chicken and Chips in a box from the local chippy, which was nice as I didn’t have to trek anywhere in the cold to please him!

Saturday was spent on trains, buses and cars travelling multiple times into random (well Birmingham and Wolverhampton) town centres to partake in lots of random christmas time activities!! The morning was Santas Christmas Grotto in Birmingham with the predictable elves and reindeer, But I still cant for the life of figure out why they had pink swans, Never something that springs to my mind when I think of the christmas period?? Then it was over to the German Market (surprise surprise) so that Jordan could go on the Helter Skelter.

I was rather disheartened that he was so inimpressed with the merry-go-round, he refused to go it..I was looking forward to having a go myself! The afternoon saw me in Wolverhampton visiting the Hungarian Market that’s been set up around Victoria and Market squares and trying to keep Jordan awake as he was dead on his feet the ammount of walking I’d made him do, the poor child!

Saturday evening…Jordan dispatched to a babysitters for the evening, I went back into Birmingham (via Walsall) to go ICE SKATING!! WOOOO !!!!!!

I’d been wanting to go ever since I’d heard that there had been a temporary OUTDOOR rink put up in Centenary Square in Birmingham and as I got asked along earlier in the week I agreed wholeheartedly, thinking that it would be a whole lot of fun with a group of people (most of which I didn’t know) and a good laugh at each other falling over…

HOW MY HEART SUNK when I found out that I’d been so misguided in the belief that we’d all be as bad as each other. Not only is Catherine EXCELLENT on the ice, she actually has gone as far as to own her own ice-skates that is how often she used to skate! I should point out that last night was the fifth time I’d been ice-skating EVER and the last time was 4 years ago!! The chances of me ending up on my arse or with a broken limb of some kind were very HIGH I wasn’t looking forward to showing myself up!!

I surpassed myself not only did I NOT fall over (good job really as the ice was so so wet and I was wearing a skirt!) I actually was complimented (in a back handed kinda way) on my skating when I came of the ice!!

So WOO for me.

I had an absolutley FANTASTIC time, So thanks to Cat for inviting me, she has some of the loveliest friends who made me feel more than welcome to be there with them and i can’t wait to do it again..

….I feel all festive now, santas grottos, christmas markets and ice skating in the shadow of christmas tree, maybe this holiday season may not be as bad as first anticipated. wI will wait and see!!

I’m ill…and no I didn’t eat all my chocolate and make myself sick! I have a cold that is rapidly becoming *sniff* MAN-FLU!!

I got thrown out of work today, (well sent home early) as apparently I was “good for nothing sitting in the corner shivering”…I have dosed myself up on Nurofen AND Lemsip AND Soothers (Raspberry & Peach and Strawberry James, no Blackcurrant) and no matter what I do I cant shake it!!

I cant keep warm my sinuses are all stuffy and my head is too heavy to be of any use. My muscles ache and I’ve started to develop a cough!! I feel seriously sorry for myself and to make it worse I know have some one asking ME for relationship advice.

HA!! what a fucking joke…25, single parent, and they want advice off me!!

The longest relationship I was in lastest 5 years with my sons father and that was because I was too stupid to get out of it any sooner. Since then I’ve only had one other serious relationship and what a disaster that turned out to be, off more than it was on, and it turned out not worth all the effort in the end. As, shock of all shocks, he turned into an arsehole too…

I’m sure its me, I have a pheromone that men have an allergic reaction to which makes them display all ther worst qualities to me.

So ask someone else for advice. I’m in no mood to give it to make your life easier while I’m having a I hate all men, I feel sorry for myself moment!

Right I’m off to have an early night as I have a hyperactive, over excitable child to deal with tomorrow and it just so happens to be his birthday so multiply the excitability by infinity…that and I have to be in work at 10, they may have sent me home today but they WILL expect me there in the morning!

I NEED to get better for the weekend, visiting santa with a cold is something that I could do without and I’m NOT missing out on ice-skating!!

I have in front of me a WHOLE box of Green and Blacks, Organic Milk Chocolate Bars…15 of them to a box and they are all mine!! SO SO nice! What can I say except….

HMMmmmm!!

Woke up this morning still feeling awful stuffy head and all, and the lack of getting to sleep at a civilized hour hasn’t helped much either.

Looked out the window and it’s all frosty and cold. Jordan wouldn’t get out of bed, stop jumping around or get dressed when I asked him so we were late to school, I’m sure that kid has a radar that tells him when I’m not feeling my best so the best times to play me up are!!

Got home and turned the computer on to find a few of my friends raving about the Rufus Wainright gig at the Symphony Hall in Birmingham last night, which I really wanted to go to but couldn’t, and some of the same friends bragging about looking forward to going to see the Foo Fighters this coming week in Birmingham/Manchester (depending on who I’m talking to) another gig that I wanted go to and can’t (see previous posts for details I’m not going there again!!)

So a brilliant start to the day!! BUT then the postman came and instead of the usual round of Junkmail, Bills and consumer surveys, I have a letter….

…in the age of modern technology with email and mobile phones it has become extremely rare to receive real post, hand written on real paper! But I did and it’s from my uncle in New Zealand..I got very exicted. he has yet again extended the offer for me to go over and stay with him and his family ( I have an aunt and 3 cousins over there that I have never met) and was telling me how his eldest as joined the army! It brightened up a very miserable morning so heres to hoping things can only get better from here!!